Hi there! Welcome to my website! I’m Matt. As in Matt Holland, the guy who wrote the book that brought you here. Not the Matt Holland who used to play for Ipswitch Town, although I hear he’s a nice bloke. A good sport about us both sharing the same name at least.
I’m aiming to produce at least one new piece of writing per month; either a short story, a blog post, or some random crap that popped into my head on the day (I anticipate that this will usually happen on the last day of the month). Here’s what I have so far:
The Husband: – Violet has two husbands; one she loves and one she hates. Can she end both of their lives on the same night? Or is she too old for that sort of thing these days? [Horror/Thriller]
The Monkey’s Paw of Mark Mailer: – Young people these days. Always expecting something for nothing, wishing their problems away with magical Monkey’s Paws, serving food from supermarkets etc [Satire/Supernatural]
Not Such A Bad Life [Part One]: Layla Redford didn’t think she’d be spending the day helping to transport a serial killer to prison. But there are worse ways to make three grand. [Fantasy/Action/Gallaetha]
Not Such A Bad Life [Part Two]: After Jack Cobalt uses an ambush to escape, Layla must hunt him down through the Oparisian forests to get her pay. But does she even have the moral high ground anymore? Maybe the mercenary life asks more than it gives. [Fantasy/Action/Gallaetha]
Itchy Feet [NibbleReads]: Barry has the worst pair of shoes in the world. One day he’ll be able to afford a pair that aren’t so itchy. One day… [Flash-Fiction] (The link will take you to NibbleReads.com, where the story is hosted.)
One Night: A chance meeting at a dull, middle-class party brings two souls together for one all too brief night of passion. Neither will ever be the same again. [Romance]
Trick Or Treat: Danny doesn’t celebrate Halloween. He’d much rather spend the night alone with a bag of sweets. But Trick-or-Treaters can be persistent — and dangerous. [Horror/Halloween Special]
One Day In 1914: Captain Timber doesn’t believe the rumours that the Great War is getting postponed over Christmas. How can soldiers fraternise after so much death? [Historical]
This Is My Country Too: A bus racist terrorises a passenger on a late night bus through Liverpool. It’ll only take one passenger to save her, but who is brave enough? [Flash Fiction]
A Traditional Gallaetha Breakfast: A gunfight is the last thing you want when you’re hungover. But how do you stop a robbery at your favourite restaurant when you haven’t even had coffee yet? [Flash Fiction/Gallaetha]
The Abduction: What would you do if strange, cosmic monsters ripped you from your home and everything you’ve ever known? Panic? Yeah, I bet you’d panic. [Flash Fiction]
Pennies: When superheroes fight crime, the police work on commission. When even love has a price tag the future will be made of pocket change. [Satire/Superhero/Crime]
Pain (Killer): Charlotte’s chronic pain condition is getting worse. Pretty soon it’ll be all she can feel — unless she does something about it. [Flash Fiction]
Walkies: One of her best friends is dead. Her other friend is in mourning. Smokey really wants to cheer him up, the only problem is she’s a dog. [Flash Fiction/Horror/Humour]
6 Steps Guaranteed To Make You A Tinder Sex God: – Follow these 6 steps and make your Tinder profile irresistible to women, men, horses. Whatever you’re into.
10 Scariest Things In The World: Matt Holland talks about the ten scariest things in the world. Sometimes the title says all you need.
Matt Holland’s Top Nine Books of 2017: Sexy time traveller, Matt Holland, journeys all the way from the far off year of 2017 to deliver his report on the best books of that fabled year.
A Letter To Me In 2004 (Four Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was Young And Stupid: – In 2018 Matt Holland finds a temporal anomaly that lets him send a letter back to 2004. He gives general advice about health, love, money, and Jaffa Cakes
Project A: In the first episode, Liam and Matt watch the Jackie Chan/Sammo Hung adventure, Project A, in which Danny Trejo voices a badass pirate king and Jackie Chan nearly dies for real. We discuss bicycle fights, seamen (tee-hee), and how in the hell podcasts work. Take a shot every time I say ‘legitimately’ #JackieChanning
Runaway Train: Liam and Matt try to follow the most ridiculous prison break in history while only occasionally being distracted by Jon Voight’s greasy arse. Also featuring Eric ‘Can I Borrow Some Money Julia?’ Roberts as an unlikable rapist and generic female character b14 who is certainly there.
Penitentiary 3: WATCH YER ASS! Pack your saxophones and your rat polish because Liam and Matt are back in prison for more nonsensical plots and general weirdness. This time if you can eat all your oranges, avoid getting painfully sodomised by The Midnight Thud, and don’t look Serengeti in the eye, you might catch a glimpse of Danny Trejo kicking the shit out of a jazzman. We told you it was weird.
The Hidden: Two aliens wage an intergalactic war over Earth’s bountiful mannequin factories. There’s some great dog acting and by far the most faithful movie adaption of the Grand Theft Auto games to date. Yet, Liam and Matt can’t seen to get over the huge section of the movie that takes place in a mannequin factory.
Death Wish 4: Ostensibly an architect, Paul Death Wish is actually a hitman and serial murderer. Liam and Matt are the only people brave enough to give you the full low down on Death Wish’s many acts of despicable domestic terrorism. From gunning down poverty stricken fish plant workers, bombing restaurants full of innocent people, to his indiscriminate use of burning mannequins. Plus, he has some kind of magic lunch box that can hold an uzi — bullshit. While uncovering the despicable nature of one of the 80’s best loved franchises (for some reason) Liam and Matt also discuss the necessity of saxophone music, talk about a brief history of rape scenes, and give birth to the Danny Trejo Fan Podcast catchphrase of ‘this made me uncomfortable to watch.’ Not even Danny Trejo’s majestic 80’s hair can save this one.