In her dream a guy was saying her name while a jaunty theme played in the background.
By Matt Holland
Mark sighed and poked his fork into the food on his plate. Why even bother taking a bite? The first bite was with the eye, or so they said, and the filth on Mark’s plate made him wish he was blind.
The steak was supermarket grade, the mashed potato was piled on without a care, and there were green bits in it. Not to mention the salad. It looked like it’d come out of a bag.
Why couldn’t kids these days cook properly? It’s not like it was hard. Mark watched cookery programmes and ate in the best restaurants all the time, he knew how food was supposed to look.
He never cooked for himself though. That was for common people who couldn’t afford a reservation at The Square.
Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come in. Because we’re on the internet and I can’t see you, despite what your web cam shrieks at you while you sleep.
If you don’t know by now, I am Matt Holland. I am a certified sex beast. I studied sexology with the finest sexers this side of Dicks Mount, Suffolk. Women and men alike find me irresistible. The only time my friends introduce me to their partners is when they want an excuse to break up with them.
In fact, that’s the reason I’m so late with this update. Every night I have to climb a pile of willing, insatiable sex partners. It really takes it out of a guy, even one as reboubtably verile as myself.
I thought, during the five minutes when they’re all asleep, I’d try to share the secret to my success to you poor scrubs.
by Matt Holland
Two husbands need to die before midnight or this will never work and I’ll never be free.
Do you ever look at something you’ve written and think: “What was I on when I wrote that?” In my case it’s beer and junk food. And it makes my writing awesome. At least until I read it back again, anyway.
I’m one of natures great word-fiddlers. I see something I’ve written and, good or bad, I just want to mess with it.
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