One Night

I met her as she was just about to leave. One arm in her jacket, the other holding a plastic cup full of gin. She scanned through the smug mass of partygoers for a table to rest her drink, when she couldn’t find one she looked for a friend but she couldn’t find one of those either. I saw the look of quiet rage on her face and she saw the same look on mine. So she chose me.

“Hold this.” She demanded. No hello. No please. Just an exasperated command barked out under duress. I had my hand out at once. She thrust the gin into it while I tried to think of something clever to say. She swung her jacket onto her shoulder like a matador and jabbed her arm into the remaining sleeve. I caught a glimpse of an old book curled over her jacket pocket. I got a little thrill when I recognised the title.

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The Monkey’s Paw of Mark Mailer

Monkey's Paw

By Matt Holland

28/06/17

Mark sighed and poked his fork into the food on his plate. Why even bother taking a bite? The first bite was with the eye, or so they said, and the filth on Mark’s plate made him wish he was blind.

The steak was supermarket grade, the mashed potato was piled on without a care, and there were green bits in it. Not to mention the salad. It looked like it’d come out of a bag.

Why couldn’t kids these days cook properly? It’s not like it was hard. Mark watched cookery programmes and ate in the best restaurants all the time, he knew how food was supposed to look.

He never cooked for himself though. That was for common people who couldn’t afford a reservation at The Square.

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6 Steps Guaranteed To Make You A Tinder-Sex-God!

Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come in. Because we’re on the internet and I can’t see you, despite what your web cam shrieks at you while you sleep.

If you don’t know by now, I am Matt Holland. I am a certified sex beast. I studied sexology with the finest sexers this side of Dicks Mount, Suffolk. Women and men alike find me irresistible. The only time my friends introduce me to their partners is when they want an excuse to break up with them.

In fact, that’s the reason I’m so late with this update. Every night I have to climb a pile of willing, insatiable sex partners. It really takes it out of a guy, even one as reboubtably verile as myself.

I thought, during the five minutes when they’re all asleep, I’d try to share the secret to my success to you poor scrubs.

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