A Letter To Me In 2004 – 4 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was Young And Stupid

Greetings from the world of tomorrow!

That’s a joke I know you’ll get. No, we never get over this. We still think Futurama is the best show ever put on television. Because it is the best show ever put on television. In this, the distant future year of 2018, we’ll join a Futurama fan group on Facebook and it’ll be the best thing we do on that website.

Wait, you’re from 2004. You aren’t going to know what Facebook is are you?

I’ll probably get to that. A lot has changed in fourteen years.

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I miss Caroline every day. I know Smokey does too. She might just be a dog, but Smokey knows her best friend is gone.

They say dogs can sense the dead. I don’t know if that’s true. I certainly hope not. Although I do believe dogs can see things that are invisible to humans.

Continue reading “Walkies”


“Did you see anyone?”

General rule: you try not to actually see anyone in the men’s changing rooms. Not unless you enjoy the sight of sweaty dick.

“No,” Gray said.

Officer Tavish scratched the stubble on his great slab of a chin. “Never mind, CCTV probably got something.” Continue reading “Pennies”

A Traditional Gallaetha Breakfast


“Here.” Izzy dropped the plate on Layla’s table, the bang struck her headache like a gong.

Layla’s mouth flooded at the breakfast sandwich on her plate. Sausages, bacon, a fried egg, and a tomato–to ward off scurvy.

“Izzy, you’re a lifesaver. I think I love you.” Layla fluttered her eyelashes at Izzy in what she thought was a flirtacious way, but after a whole bottle of whiskey last night it probably looked more like she had a bug in her eye.

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This Is My Country Too


I awoke to a shrill voice echoing through the bus. “Daddy! Look!”

I was exhausted from work but there was no way I could sleep through this screaming. I envied the elderly lady snoring away at the front of the bus with her head pressed against the window.

“What is it, lad?” The father was fortyish and sounded as tired as I felt.

The kid stood on his seat and pointed across the bus at a woman in a hijab. “It’s an ISIS!”

The woman froze, staring dead ahead like the boy’s scream had turned her to stone.

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Matt Holland’s Top Nine Books Of 2017

Greetings from the distant past! It is I, a time traveller from the 1st of January. What a journey I’ve had. Instead of going back in time and kicking Fred Trump in the testicles; or going back to last week to tell myself today’s lottery numbers; I decided to use the precious gift of time travel to come here, an arbitrary date at the end of the month to write an article about my top nine books of 2017.

Yes, it would’ve made a lot more sense to stay where I was and publish this article on the 1st of January when reflections on 2017 were getting the most hits. Or go back and invest in Bitcoin while it was cheap. But no, here I am, writing this instead.

Obviously I didn’t only get this idea at the end of December and spend the rest of January writing it. That’s crazy. You ought to face a laser firing squad for even suggesting such a thing.

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One Day In 1914


It was just after dawn when the Germans came over the line. Captain Timber wanted to give the order to fire. It’d been weeks since he’d last slept and the sight of the Germans climbing up out of their trenches gave him an uneasy feeling.

“We should shoot the whole bloody lot of ’em,” said Sergeant Winkleman, a heavyset fellow with a patchy beard. “Just like what they did to Cooper last week.”

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