Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come in. Because we’re on the internet and I can’t see you, despite what your web cam shrieks at you while you sleep.
If you don’t know by now, I am Matt Holland. I am a certified sex beast. I studied sexology with the finest sexers this side of Dicks Mount, Suffolk. Women and men alike find me irresistible. The only time my friends introduce me to their partners is when they want an excuse to break up with them.
In fact, that’s the reason I’m so late with this update. Every night I have to climb a pile of willing, insatiable sex partners. It really takes it out of a guy, even one as reboubtably verile as myself.
I thought, during the five minutes when they’re all asleep, I’d try to share the secret to my success to you poor scrubs.
Because I wasn’t always this way. Oh no. There was a time when I was just as lonely and pathetic as you probably are right now.
My secret? I am the best in the world at writing profiles on dating websites. I guess it shouldn’t be surprising. I, after all, am a Booker prize winning author. I retired young after the success of my first novel. A novel so good that it made Stephen Fry himself say ‘good job’
Don’t believe me? Well, I think the evidence speaks for itself. You’ve probably seen one of my profiles during your many trips through Tinder. That’s no accident. I’ve actually been selling dating profiles to most of Tinder so I can finance my second trip into space. I obviously can’t share all my secrets, how else would I eat moon cheese again? They don’t just sell that in Waitrose you know. But here is a good starting point for all you lonely losers who need help attracting a lover or three:
1) Don’t Write A Profile
Seems kind of counter-productive, I know. But people on dating apps don’t want to read things. Especially not about you. From their perspective, you’re a stranger. You wouldn’t go up to strangers in a night club or a bar and have a conversation with them, would you? Of course not, that’s why you’re on Tinder in the first place.
It’s important that the written section of your profile says as little as possible. Keep it short. If you must say something, just say something like ‘Hi’ or ‘am just me’ or ‘need to know anything, just ask.’ Men, make sure you include your height, annual earnings, and dick size. That’s all that matters about you, right? Make sure its in there. If you aren’t tall, rich, or well-endowed then lie.
Remember everyone loves it when you lie to them, especially women.
Women, make sure your potential matches know that you’ll only date guys over six feet tall. Otherwise why else would so many men include their height in their profile?
If you want to get really fancy, put up an inspirational quote or platitude. E,g; ‘Good things come in small packages!’ or ‘Love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like nobody is watching, sing like nobody is listening’ If you could see it written on a cloud poster on a middle-class bathroom wall, it belongs in your profile.
When it comes to telling people what you want, I have one rule: don’t. Nobody cares what you actually want. They only care about what you don’t want. Include a checklist of everything you don’t want in a partner, that’ll scare them all away for sure.
For the truly advanced, try admonishing people who send you inadequate messages. For example, tell people that you expect only the highest quality messages possible and that anyone saying ‘hi’ or ‘how are you’ will get no response. You might think that it’d be hard for anyone to come up with a message if your profile is blank and there’s nothing to ask you about, but you’d be surprised. People love a challenge! And besides which, you want to make it as hard as possible to actually message you, that way you seperate the wheat from the chaff and only get the best possible matches.
Besides, everyone knows that pictures are the only thing that matters in your profile. That’s what you’re going to be judged on.
It’s hard to find the right suite of pictures to really represent you, fortunately I have some pointers to get you on the right track.
– Make sure you only use group photographs with as many people in as possible. This will show any potential matches that you have a lot of friends and therefore have the requisite social competence to date people.
– If you don’t have any pictures of yourself with a group, don’t worry you sad, lonely bastard! You can still include a picture of just yourself. But you can only include a picture of yourself in the gym; if you’re a man, get your shirt off! Women need to know what you’ve got under there as soon as possible so they know you’re not lying about going to the gym every day.
Remember, nobody likes it when you lie to them. Especially not women!
– If you don’t go to the gym then fear not! You still have options. Everyone loves animals, so take a picture with one! But it can’t be with a pet. Nobody likes pets. Especially not dogs. Bunch of mooching, smelly, ugly, monsters. Dogs are known for their foul language and aloof behaviour; two things you can never be associated with if you plan to succeed in the dating world.
In fact, I’d say you should stay well clear of all flightless birds–dogs included.
Instead, it’s important that you show yourself in a position of power over an animal. Especially if you’re a man. Women like a man who has mastered nature, so get yourself out to Africa and shoot a lion in the face. Take a picture of yourself with your balls in this dead lions mouth. Women will want to know more about this intriguing, Hemingwayesque huntsman. Trust me.
If you can’t find a lion because they’re going extinct or something, take a picture of yourself riding a tired elephant, or dope up a tiger and lie next to it, anally interfere with a penguin, pull on a bear’s face. Whatever you do, always be in control. Man is the master of nature and it’s important that women know this.
Women, get a horse and ride it. If you can’t afford a horse then you have no business looking for love. Just as all men are destroyers and tamers of the wilderness, all women ride horses.
I didn’t make the rules, alright? Just get a horse. It works.
– If your horse has ran away and you have no back-up horse (WHY NOT!?!?!?!) then don’t worry, your Matt has you covered. Take a picture of yourself with a snapchat filter all over your face. It’ll out you as horseless (FILTHY, FILTHY HORSELESS!!!) but it’ll also show how funny and unique you are. Unique just like all the millions of people that do this every day.
Millions of people can’t be wrong, can they?
3) Air Out Your Baggage
It’s important that everyone knows that you’ve had a past. They don’t want to date no virgins. That means if you’ve ever been cheated on, it’s important that you say ‘no cheaters.’ If people have a habit of matching with you and not messaging, take up valuable profile space reminding people not to do that. If you’ve deleted Tinder a few times and have just come back for the last time, tell people.
Most people using dating apps are bitter, miserable individuals so it’s important you show them that you have something in common right off the bat. You only get one chance to make a first impression after all.
4) Sell Something
Dating sites are a marketers dream. Think about it, hundreds of people every day scrolling through it. That’s over a hundred eyes every day that could be looking at your product!
But don’t actually make anything. That’d be revealing too much of yourself to these vultures. Remember, the people browsing your dating profile are customers first and foremost. You wouldn’t invite a customer into your room to poke through your underwear drawer, right? Of course not! So don’t reveal anything interesting about yourself whatsoever.
Instead, get yourself an instagram profile and pimp that shit! Maybe you’ll become so famous that you won’t have to do this dating site crap anymore!
5) Appeal To As Many People As Possible
Now to put the finishing touches on your Tinder profile. It’s important that you appear as generic as bland as possible. Just like everyone else. Everyone else has no problem getting laid, right? So be like them or you’ll be alone forever.
If you have any niche interests, don’t talk about them! Don’t mention your hobbies! Don’t talk about what you’re passionate about! If people are really interested in that, they’ll ask you (remember above when you told people that if they had any questions to just ask? That’s what this is for!).
What’s the point of going on a date with someone when you already know what they’re interested in anyway? Nobody looks for people that share the same interests as them. They might say they do, but they’re not as honest and handsome as me.
Besides, you want to cast as wide a net as possible. You know the old saying: “He who casts the widest net catches the most birds.” Or is it “The bird with the biggest mouth eats the most pies”? Either way, birds are definitely involved.
You can trust me, I won the Nobel prize for literature and have three countries named after me. I know from sayings.
6) Message Ettiquette
You have a match! See, I told you it’d work. Why did you doubt me?
First thing’s first, guys; tell her nothing. Keep it simple. If she has a profile, don’t read it or respond to it in any way. Women hate that. Just say ‘hi’ or ‘hey sexi’ (bad spelling makes women go insane with lust, that’s why I do it all the time). If the woman doesn’t respond to you within ten minutes then you have to call her a whore and tell her how fat she is. She will be appropriately shamed and come crawling back to you immediately.
Remember, all women like bad boys so you need to be as rude as possible right from the outset.
If the conversation goes well, and why wouldn’t it if you’ve followed all my steps? Make sure to send her a picture of your dick sooner rather than later. Like with your shirtless gym selfie, women only care about your dick and your abs. So show her both as often as possible. You don’t want her to think you’re a liar, do you?
Remember, like I said before. Liars don’t like women! Especially not when they lie to each other. So do that.
Now for the women; you’re going to want to sit back and let the men come to you. Throughout all of history women have been objects to be acquired by men as a reward for killing turtles, overthrowing mushroom despots, and hassling giant monkeys who are you to reverse that trend? Don’t upset the status quo, every man is a conquerer and if you wait long enough, he will conquer you too.
In other words, never send the first message. Guys hate that.
If a man really likes you, he will message you right away. If he doesn’t say anything in the first twenty minutes after matching with him, unmatch right away. You don’t have time to wait around for some dick to make the first move. You’ve got horses to ride (you better)! A man who really wants to be with you will be on Tinder from dawn til dusk talking to you and only you. Anyone who doesn’t is obviously cheating on you.
I know, right? Cheating on you before you’ve even met. And you specifically told people not to do that in your profile!
Don’t worry, if he really likes you, he’ll find you again. It’s really easy to find Tinder profiles for a second time. That’s why you unmatch from anyone who doesn’t message you right away. Remember, the chase is better than the catch, so it’s important to keep chasing each other forever and never actually have a conversation. If you actually find yourself on a date with another human being, then you’ve failed this entire process and should just go join a convent or sexless horse-marriage or something.
That’s it! If you follow these tips, and more, you’ll be guaranteed all the sex in the world plus a horse!
And if, through Zeus’s direct intervention, this doesn’t work for you and you still wind up single. Above all else, you should never, ever make a satirical blog post about Tinder. Don’t express your feelings in a creative way under any circumstances. Hold onto your feelings of sadness and disappointment then unleash them on your next safari hunting trip.
Because it was obviously that you don’t have enough dead, tortured animals in your profile. That’s the only reason it’s not working for you.
Happy Swiping, Lovebirds!
— Matt Holland
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